Tuesday, February 28, 2006

007 Video Games and Misogeny

Broken Angels will have to wait. This is just too hilarious.

Ask anyone in the middle/upper middle class income bracket between the ages of 18-30 and they'll tell you just how revolutionary 007:Goldeneye was. Kids failed out of schools from the elementary level on up to college. The combination of shooting people in a variety of environments with a plethora of weaponry was unstoppably fun. Arguably the best part was at the end of a match, when the game told you how many times you died, who killed you, who you killed, how many times, your weapon of choice, and two terms which defined your play style that round, such as "most professianal/ most deadly" or "where's the armor?/mostly harmless." God. Perfection, thy name is Goldeneye.

Fast forward to late 2005. The Video Game industry quickly realized the earning potential of everyone's favorite super spy and have been producing games starring James Bond ever since. I own one of the newer games. It's called Nightfire. And the whole game feels like a pancake which was flipped too early and is thus underdone. It looks good on the surface, but it's still gooey inside.

The problems start immeadiatly. Before you get to choose your characters, you have to choose a side. One side is three different Bonds and five different female characters. The other side is every single Bond bad guy ever. Or close enough. So if you want to form a team, one team must be Bond(tactical, tux or spacesuit. Only one Bond allowed, even though they look completely different) and/or a random female character. The other team can be any bad guy ever. But they can't fight each other. Which means if you and three friends want to fight some computer controlled opponents, either you have to play as chicks or fight chicks. Guess which happens more often?

So Nightfire sessions are peppered with "Bitches incoming!","Shoot that hoe!", and "that bitch just killed me!". Once the round ends, you find out how many times you died, how many times you killed and little else. That's right, eight years in video game progress have yielded a far less detailed product. Don't these developers realize how much people love statitics? Fantasy sports are a multi billion dollar a year industry, and that's nothing but pouring over stats all day long. And for the people that hate stats, you can just press 'start'.


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